The following is a reply to the Super Bowl Dodge commercial. I didn’t see it myself, but there’s a wonderful take-down of it here, where I also gakked the aptly named “Woman’s Last Stand.”
(Note: Don’t read the comments–for the most part, they’re just putrid.)
I will get up and pack your lunch at 6:30 AM.
I will eat half a grapefruit for breakfast.
I will get the kids ready for school.
I will ignore your smelly loser friend who is crashing on our couch.
I will make seventy-five cents for every dollar you make doing the same job.
I will assert myself and get called a bitch.
I will catch you staring at my breasts and pretend not to notice.
I will put my career on hold to raise your children.
I will diet, Botox, and wax everything.
I will assure you that size doesn’t matter.
I will be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.
I will turn a blind eye to your ever-encroaching baldness.
I will humor your fantasy baseball obsession.
I will pretend not to notice when you cry at the end of “Rudy.” (This is the only thing I couldn’t understand–is this some tear-jerker movie I’ve never heard of?)
I will watch TV shows where fat, stupid, unattractive men have beautiful wives.
I will allow you to cheat on me with younger women.
I will see “Paul Blart–Mall Cop” twice. (I’ve never heard of this movie either, but even the title sounds idiotic.)
I will elect male politicians who make decisions about my body.
I will listen to Rush and tell you, “Yes, if there were a gold medal for air-drumming, you would win it.” (With all due respect, Rush is a pretty awesome band. Neal Peart is one of the most erudite, well-read lyricists in the rock world. Read the lyrics for “Witch Hunt” if you don’t believe me.)
I will get angry and you will ask if it’s that time of the month.
I will watch Super Bowl commercials that depict men as emasculated and oppressed and I will feel so fucking sorry for you.
The Dodge guy sounds like a whiny-ass, entitled baby in comparison.